Listen Bret Ratner. Not cool. Instead of sporting a semi for this evening’s festivities and comeback capping performance of Eddie Murphy (maybe one of the 5 funniest people that ever lived). You had to be unenthused about rehearsal and now I have to watch the second return of Billy Cyrstal and his black and white Mitt Romney jokes in subtitles during the The Artist section of the Best Picture parody montage.
For a while all I knew was that I hated you. I wasn’t exactly sure why. One of my earliest internetings was a grand tribute to your boasts and name dropping.
It’s not just cause “you suck.” I don’t hate Tim Story or Dennis Dugan and I’ve never even thought of Uwe Boll. It couldn’t have been jealousy. While I’m sure you’ve “banged” copious amounts of barely legal snatch and make more money in your daily berating of craft services than I will in my 30’s. Your obvious need to be liked points to something deeper. Something I’m sure no one wants.
There’s just this sense that you’ve had these opportunities. This amazing opportunity that millions of people aspire to every day. To get a movie made. Most of us can only hope shoot something for pizza and whiskey money. You treat these opportunities like a toe nail clipping on the tile of one of your 20 bathrooms. You can point to the money it made but your success has been inflated by piggy backing on the work of others be it Bryan Singer, Jonathan Demme or catching Chris Tucker at his apex.
This was your chance to give back. To give Eddie again. Sure he have been just as bland as Billy but at least it would have been on him. Now its back on you. Enjoy the night.