Rejected!: My entry for the Grantland Fantasy Football Writer Contest.

There were a few rules. And I had a feeling they weren’t looking for a 35 year old white guy.  Im sure Grantland is littered with those, but my friend Katie said it was right up my alley and well Bill Simmons you are gonna miss me.

There is no way in hell that anything I’m about to write will have any positive effect on your fantasy football team. I’ve played fantasy for 12 years in up to 3 different leagues and the only thing I’ve learned is that picking in the Top 5 can only end your season traumatically and with little warning.
It’s like looking at my daughter.  She is 16 months old, can count to ten, and has a pretty good handle on what most members of the animal kingdom “say.”  All signs point to her being the next Tina Fey. The problem is she is also one self-cutting, booze addled, cheerleader best friend from telling me to go fuck myself, get pregnant and, GOD NO, follow Avril Lavigne on Twitter unironically.

You. Just. Don’t. Know.

1. Aaron Rodgers. Tina Fey scenario: No surer bet right? 5000 yards, 50 TDs 10 more rushing and reclamation of his discount double check move from the evil Clay Matthews.

Avril Lavigne scenario:  Elevated goddamn testosterone.  That brute sneer, caveman charm and pro-wrestling branding was less an act and more a symptom of a hormone meant for steak building.  After a 4 week suspension, the once maligned Graham Harrell goes Full Flynn, guides the Pack to 4 blowouts and Rodgers collapses like Brutus on his clipboard.

2. Ray Rice. Tina Fey scenario: He runs, catches and throws for more yards than Cleveland and gets fed at the goal line like a touchdown eating Jorge Garcia.

Avril Lavinge scenario: Runningbacks’ lives are brutish and short.  Ask the law office of Holmes, Alexander and Chris Johnson.  I can clearly see the Patriots, at home, Week 3, statement game, Ravens up two touchdowns just shy of the 2 minute warning.  Vrabel 2.0 Rob Ninkovich comes off the edge and Ray, being Ray, tries to turn an inside run out just to stick a fork in any more Cundiff replays.  Rob catches him by the shoetop annnnnnnnnd POP.  Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Anthony Allen.

3. Tom Brady. Fey scenario: MVP, breaks Drew Brees’s record for the completion percentage and yards over his knee just because he can, wins the Super Bowl and somehow fathers an immaculate child with Lolo Jones.

Avril scenario: Tom turned 35 August 3rd.  I turned 35 August 7th.  I have harrowing back spasms that chokes my sciatica and wrist rockets poisonous blowfish needles made of molten sand down my right leg.  I’m walking to work and an old Polish woman grabs my wrist, suddenly I become psychically linked to Tom through my own comparative self loathing and now Brady, with a sudden useless plant foot, sends balls sailing over the ample heads of Brandon Lloyd and Gronkzalez.  Only he’s Tom Brady and won’t be taken out. It’s worse. He plays through and has the most pedestrian season since the death of Cleo Lemon.

And we will all weep.

4. Calvin Johnson. Fey: 25 TD’s, 1800 yards and his own Bob Segar song.

Avril: Week 9 at Jacksonville Megatron goes up for a one handed circus catch on a 5 yard out when Paul Posluszny Optimus Primes him upside the head, gets fined $50,000 by the league and Calvin Johnson wakes up at the Pittsburgh Furry convention somewhere in his mid-40’s.

5. Arian Foster. The Fey: The Texan O-Line act like zone blocking mack trucks and Arian puts Eric Dickerson in his rearview. CON-VOY!

The Lavigne: Ben Tate. Ben Tate SMASH. Ben Tate, tired of being the Andrew Ridgeley of the WHAM package, decides to go Man On Fire (RIP Tony Scott) and puts a grenade in Arian’s mouth. The worst part is you are too stupid to handcuff him. Suddenly you’re trading Wes Welker, next year’s draft, and your daughter’s future for Stephen Jackson.  For shame.

Sleeper for Disappointment: Victor Cruz.  Tina: 18 TDs, 22 circus catches, and stomps Hines Ward in a dance off during Step Up 5: Alive and Reloaded

Avril: In Week One, he endorses Todd Akin, sends a dickpic to Rooney Mara and he breaks a hip during a touchdown dance attempting a “Flying Shakira.” 

And it’s over. But now you have time to beat the internet to that Lego recreation of Gangnam Style video you’ve always wanted to do.
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